What do you do when despite everything in you screaming “NO!”, your body slides back into a relapse?
It started the beginning of this month, January 2018. I had been doing wonderful (well wonderful for me) for several months. I have basically been wheelchair/walker/cane-free since late July last year. Oh I still had to cope with the fatigue and I still had to pace myself; although its hard to figure out what my exact pace is.
Most times I can walk short distances, I can usually handle going shopping, and I can drive independently. I pitch in on doing dishes, laundry, sweeping the floor, and do a lot of the cooking. These days I take pleasure in being able to do any or all of these things.
But back in January, I had a busy first week. Tuesday through Saturday I had something to do every morning. And it took its toll on me. The entire second week, Monday through Saturday, I was back on my walker and spent a lot of time in bed, totally spent. I didn’t go anywhere that week. I overdid it again.
The following week, I felt a bit better. I had more energy. I wasn’t exhausted like before, but I was still real tired. I remember one particular day I went to town with my husband to do some shopping. I made it through the first store fine, the second was pretty difficult, and at the third store (Best Buy) we had to get a wheelchair. I just had no energy left. When we got home, I went straight to bed.
Although I can manage to get out here and there, I stay tired. You know when the muscles in your neck and back are tired, to tired to stand or sit up straight. To make matters worse, my arm and leg muscles are aching, my “dry eye” has is constant in my right eye, and I’m having trouble spelling again. (Thank goodness for Auto Spellcheck.) Then today I started having some mild tics/tremors. I hope they don’t last long.
The thing to realize, I guess, is that whatever causes this is never gone. It just goes into a type of remission for a while, and then its back. I hate it. Its frustrating, depressing, and … I lost the word, but that happens too. Is it memory loss? Or an inability to put feelings into words? Or to capture and process what my brain is trying to say?
Days like this. I can hardly function on a day-to-day basis. I’ll be doing fine. And then its gone, and I’m struggling again just to get through the day. I sit in the recliner and watch my family prepare dinner without me. I feel helpless.
I’m just venting, but I know some of you out there know how I feel. Remember, no matter how bad we may feel, we are not alone.